


Friendly Mailman

by Sonamae



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Average Nightvale Day, Cecil Rambling, Don't trust the mail, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-20
Updated: 2014-06-20
Packaged: 2018-02-05 10:46:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1815754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonamae/pseuds/Sonamae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tonight's show we learn about the Nightvale postal service.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Friendly Mailman

 The calm of the desert is only interrupted when the lights are asleep.  And tonight, none of our street lamps seem to be awake.  
  
 Welcome to Nightvale.  
  
 Dear listeners, as you may have heard the post office has been delivering your mail to you on time and _unopened_.  As we, all know this is not adhering to the strict regulations set forth by the city council.  All mail should be presented to you in the dead of night, opened and thoroughly examined, smeared with the none-fingerprints of your local secret police, seeing as we all know they don’t leave fingerprints.   
  
 Because of this blatant disregard for the citywide mandate set out by the city council, all mail has been recalled until we are able to fix the issue.  For those of you unfortunate enough to have received your mail on time, you will now be dragged behind The Ralph’s where a man with a large pillow full of eggshells and dead roses will proceed to hit you until you are unconscious and bleeding from several orifices.  You will then be returned to your home, unaware you even left or that you had been assaulted.  There will be no evidence, there never is.  You will never remember the man with the pillow and his eggshells and dead roses.  His face will delight and terrify you in your dreams, and the romance you hide from one another will forever be forgotten.  
  
 The city council is now advising all residents to refuse any mail they are delivered as it has been untampered with and unchecked.  Anyone who does not comply will be locked in a room with four wheat pancakes smothered in good old maple pine syrup.  And we all know how that will end, so refuse your mail if you know what’s good for you.  
  
 In other news, traffic on the road is nonexistent, as is the road.  We’re still looking for it, dear listens, don’t you worry.  We just haven’t found it yet.  The Road Watches are hard at work, having brought out Road Callers and bait.  We expect the road to be back before the dinner time rush.  
  
 Tumbleweeds are at an all time high out here in our lovely little dessert, please feel free to capture one and send a picture to your local vet to prove that these creature are real.  They are no longer endangered.  We can hunt them once again.  Death to the tumbleweeds before they bring death to us.  
  
 But really, those who have, somehow, tamed a tumbleweed, I have to say I’m very impressed.  These are vicious creatures after all, and you are the backbone of our little town if you can keep them in your home or yard and not have them eat you alive.  Remember, caution is not a bad thing.  Remember what happened to Rebecca Rachel, praise her blood at it spewed on the spire, may we never let our guard down again.  
  
 An update on the mail, it seems couples who have conversed any way via the mail system are being targeted by friendly mailmen that we do not know.  They are not friendly.  Do not trust their smiles.  Do not sign their packages.  Run.  Run and do not look back or they will get you and your loved ones.  
  
 To... my own personal someone, Carlos, beautiful and smart, if you’re listening.  Don’t answer to door today.  Don’t even let me in until we figure out what’s wrong and how to fix it.  Work from home, but don’t... ahem, I apologize listeners.  Intern Sophia reminded me we are on air.  
  
 Let’s see, back to news.  Ah, here we are.  Big Rico’s is having a two for one special.  None of you are eating enough, eat more, we demand less.  Big Rico’s, it’s a requirement.  They even have a new type of pizza, Ranch Barbeque with slices of cactus meat and green olives.  Yum, I think I’ll get some on my way home.  After all, nobody does a slice like Big Rico.  Nobody.  
  
 The super market would like to inform everyone that they now have plastic bags back in stock.  Shopping is forever safe.  No more paper bags made from trees of questionable origin.  Back to being safe, as always here in Nightvale.  
  
 After all, our safety and the safety of others is a big concern.  That’s why we’re hosting a ‘Safety’ benefit.  Donate to the Benefit.  Give money.  Give food.  Give plasma.  Give your eyelashes and fingernails.  Give.  Give.  Benefit.  Give.  We.  Are.  Safe.  
  
 Give.  
  
 Listeners I have some... disturbing news.  All the letters being dropped off at peoples homes have begun bleeding.  While this is normal on a Thursday, it is not a Thursday.  It is a Monday.  The bleeding has formed many puddles on many porches, but we’ve been informed it is safe.  Just ignore the corrosive substance and kindly ask the letter or package to leave.  If they do not comply, call your local sheriff’s secret police and they will come by with a gun and make sure you are safe before escorting the letter to a high care facility.  
  
 I remind couples to be on their guard.  Anything could happen.  
  
 In fact, Sophia, don’t you have a girlfriend?  I hear she is very lucky... Yes, I am worried about my partner as well... no, please go get us some... Sophia has left the room.  To Ms. Anne Hathawen, you are a very lucky woman.  
  
 I remember when Carlos and I... oh, um... hello...  
  
 Uh... listeners... there is a mailman... in the building.  I am going to run now... if I never make it back... Carlos... before we go to the weather, I lo-  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
... Well... listeners, I am back.  I... for once, I don’t want to talk about this.  I was afraid, and you should have been too.  You should have been very _very_ afraid.  
  
 I... I am going _home_ , as is Intern Sophia.  We will continue the show tomorrow but... we are going home to our loved ones and I know I had more news to report on but I can barely stand up right now.  I need a shower, badly.  I cannot apologize enough for such a short show, but… goodnight, Nightvale, goodnight.

**Author's Note:**

> Heeeere's the mail it never fails it makes me wanna wag my tail, when it comes I wanna wail,  
> MAAAAIIIIILLLLL


End file.
